Location: Aboard Soviet submarine Argo in Imperialist port of Monte Carlo, Monaco
The Motherland calls, we answer. We shall never question the orders of our superiors. If the command cries that we shall sail to Monaco we are obliged to answer the call for Mother Russia. That is exactly the order from last night. Comrade watch teams manned the nuclear submarine Argo all night through the cold depths, 3 hours on 6 hours off. We must all do our part to please Soviet Command. The Mediterranean belonged to the Motherland that night. Argo silently arrived in the capitalist port of Monte Carlo at approximately 0900, sun shining through the periscope. The corrupt port authority cowards had us wait in anchor until 1400 to dock, they will pay for their crime against the glorious Argo. The port authority pilot boats swarmed around us like annoying capitalist flies, intimidated by our size and pride. It was a glorious victory for Russia and the sailors aboard Argo. We then successfully invaded the port and had our fill of fine Imperialist food and purchasing of their fine goods. The Monte Carlo Casino was left untouched; we have no use for capitalist currency. After glorious showers, a reward for our comrades, we returned to Argo, the pride of the Soviet navy. Two comrade sailors shared the same birthday (July 7), obviously calling for a celebration. Comrade chef Mike Oleg O’keef prepared a meal far superior than our western rivals. British defector Chloe McLain prepared chocolate cake. The roast was such that would make Stalin crave. Desert shortly followed, admittedly a western treat but we did not think about the capitalist dessert as toxic, at least not tonight. Every comrade sailor and captain then returned to bunks on the prestigious Argo, the finest nuclear submarine the world has ever seen traverse the deep. Long live Lenin’s Russia!
[Chief Political Officer Matt Dmitri Giannotti ending dispatch] If in threat of retrieval by allied forces destroy immediately